Compassion

Don't beat yourself up!

Don't judge yourself!

Rest, and be kind!

I put a quote from the Buddha on my Facebook page tonight: "If compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete." Within a few seconds 2 friends had "liked" my status, and two had commented--all were women and 3 were moms. Now my sample is skewed a bit because more women read and care about my status messages in general, but I think it also has a bit to do with women knowing they should be more forgiving of themselves.

I had lunch with a friend recently, and she too was talking about how bad someone else was making her feel about herself. She was turning the other persons actions inward and then being critical of herself! This was no regular chica; she totally rocks as a mama and does it times two. I was astounded she was so down on herself and for nothing! But then fast-forward to today, and I completely missed a commitment I had made to volunteer this morning at a local school library. I mean just completely spaced out and did not even think about it until 6:40 p.m. I feel completely awful. Feelings of failure, like I can't possibly be redeemed. Like my friend, I put everything on myself despite it being an honest mistake.

Let's see, I'm potty training my kid, both cars need oil changes, trying to work on my master's paper despite red tape and delays at every turn, hunting for jobs, laundry, dishes, classes, making dinner, pug wrangling. What was I expecting? One of the balls was bound to drop, and today it did. Yet, here I sit on a planet that is continuing to turn despite my mistake. Every thing is fine, really. Jude is sleeping, Jon is pug wrangling, and I have time to write this and watch t.v.

I'm working really hard, and have been for the past year, to reset these neural pathways that always send me to self-criticism and judgement. I think I can be reflective and grow and learn from mistakes without taking myself to gallows every time I forget to put the clothes in the dryer.

I think of the Lisa Loeb song, "Wishing Heart." Sorry to go all 90s on ya, but I love that song. At one point she says, "I just want this to be good, I just want this to be good." I feel that so much. You set up everything to run smoothly and to be perfect, and then life happens and you realize you can't think of everything. It's the path of the perfectionist, "Perfectionists often experience intense anxiety, shame, anger or low mood when their standards or goals are not met, and perfectionism may affect people's functioning by causing them to spend too long on tasks, procrastinate or avoid tasks altogether." For me today, I was focusing so much on one area (that's the spending too long on tasks part) and missed my appointment. I won't even tell you how long it takes me to vacuum; it's embarrassing.

Toward the end of the song, Loeb says, "It's not always candy spun from head to heart, And it's not always meant to be, And it's not always up to me." Each of these three things applies on different days in different ways. I just foul things up sometimes. I have to be forgiving. I told my friend Anne a few months ago that, "The world will not end if you f**k up the Play-Doh," as she was having trouble helping out in her daughter's school. So I am trying to take my own advice by continuing to work on completing my compassion.