Compassion

Don't beat yourself up!

Don't judge yourself!

Rest, and be kind!

I put a quote from the Buddha on my Facebook page tonight: "If compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete." Within a few seconds 2 friends had "liked" my status, and two had commented--all were women and 3 were moms. Now my sample is skewed a bit because more women read and care about my status messages in general, but I think it also has a bit to do with women knowing they should be more forgiving of themselves.

I had lunch with a friend recently, and she too was talking about how bad someone else was making her feel about herself. She was turning the other persons actions inward and then being critical of herself! This was no regular chica; she totally rocks as a mama and does it times two. I was astounded she was so down on herself and for nothing! But then fast-forward to today, and I completely missed a commitment I had made to volunteer this morning at a local school library. I mean just completely spaced out and did not even think about it until 6:40 p.m. I feel completely awful. Feelings of failure, like I can't possibly be redeemed. Like my friend, I put everything on myself despite it being an honest mistake.

Let's see, I'm potty training my kid, both cars need oil changes, trying to work on my master's paper despite red tape and delays at every turn, hunting for jobs, laundry, dishes, classes, making dinner, pug wrangling. What was I expecting? One of the balls was bound to drop, and today it did. Yet, here I sit on a planet that is continuing to turn despite my mistake. Every thing is fine, really. Jude is sleeping, Jon is pug wrangling, and I have time to write this and watch t.v.

I'm working really hard, and have been for the past year, to reset these neural pathways that always send me to self-criticism and judgement. I think I can be reflective and grow and learn from mistakes without taking myself to gallows every time I forget to put the clothes in the dryer.

I think of the Lisa Loeb song, "Wishing Heart." Sorry to go all 90s on ya, but I love that song. At one point she says, "I just want this to be good, I just want this to be good." I feel that so much. You set up everything to run smoothly and to be perfect, and then life happens and you realize you can't think of everything. It's the path of the perfectionist, "Perfectionists often experience intense anxiety, shame, anger or low mood when their standards or goals are not met, and perfectionism may affect people's functioning by causing them to spend too long on tasks, procrastinate or avoid tasks altogether." For me today, I was focusing so much on one area (that's the spending too long on tasks part) and missed my appointment. I won't even tell you how long it takes me to vacuum; it's embarrassing.

Toward the end of the song, Loeb says, "It's not always candy spun from head to heart, And it's not always meant to be, And it's not always up to me." Each of these three things applies on different days in different ways. I just foul things up sometimes. I have to be forgiving. I told my friend Anne a few months ago that, "The world will not end if you f**k up the Play-Doh," as she was having trouble helping out in her daughter's school. So I am trying to take my own advice by continuing to work on completing my compassion.

The White Stripes

Jude, who is currently very obsessed with playing the Rock Band drums, declared himself to be Meg White all day and Jon was Jack White. (I was still Mom). We haven't broken the news to him that the White Stripes broke up a couple of weeks ago. Just doesn't seem like the time.

Jon and I were able to see the White Stripes in Portland, ME in 2007, the summer we decided to have Jude. They were the soundtrack to 2007 for us. I'm sure I wrote about it somewhere. I have often proclaimed the White Stripes to be my favorite band. Jon even wrote a song about Meg White, which you can listen to. I love creative constraints, and a two-person band has many. Jack White pushed out against the bubble of the band's limits until it popped.

I hate that Jude may never see the White Stripes in concert because it is awesome. How can 2 people make sooo much music? However, we did get to see Ben Folds Five play the entire Reinhold Messner album front-to-back years after the band had broken up but not so many years that it was weird or bad. I have hope!

Jude tricyle

This is another video from January when we revealed Jude's tricycle to him. Prior to this he had only seen the picture on the box. It's dark at the beginning because it was early in the morning.

NHL Fan Fair

Thanks to C&A, we were able to go to the NHL Fan Fair, which took place during All-Star game weekend here in Raleigh. Here are some of the highlights, including Jude being used as a human shield. This was in January.

Happy (almost) spring

Sorry about the lack of posts here. I am primarily posting things on Facebook these days since Blogger can be kind of clunky. Things here have been very busy at times with Jon changing jobs and me in school. Other times, we have just been very lazy about posting because we're hanging out together, out and about, or just enjoying being a family in our own little Brasfield world. Here are some pics and video to catch you up.

One video is Jude playing the Rock Band Drums. We've been putting off buying the game because of how expensive it was at one time, but we snagged this one and all the instruments from Craigslist a few weeks ago and haven't looked back. We usually play a few rounds after dinner as a fam.

Another video is Jude reading the alphabet from a book. It's funny because he starts out singing it to the tune that Alpha Pig uses on "Super Why?" but gets a little ahead of himself and goes back to beginning.

There are some pics from around the house, and one of Jude and Tuomo Ruutu #15 on the Carolina Hurricanes. Ruutu is the first player Jude has met from his very favorite sports team. Most days, Jude spends at least part of the day pretending to be Eric Staal, who he will very readily tell you is #12 and the captain. He then assigns roles to whomever else is present--we're Cam Ward, Jeff Skinner, Tim Gleason, Coach Paul Marice, etc.

Jude also likes to pretend we're the Beatles. He's Paul McCartney, Jon is John Lennon, I am George Harrison, and Grandpa is Ringo. Jude's favorites on Beatles Rock Band are "Come Together" and "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds."

Just a quick thought.

Remember when we were worried about speech development? Remember when we didn't know? He told his grandparents he "saw dinosaurs at the museum today." A stranger asked if he drove downtown today, and he said, "When I'm 16, I can drive." He told his daycare provider that the president's name is "Obama," and he was the only kid present who knew. A guy at the airport said, "He must be almost 3." Nope, friend, not even 2 and a half.

I just want to cry with joy.

Singin'

As you know, Jude loves to sing. Here's a video of him crooning his new favorite song, "Come Together" by the Beatles. Jude is also a big Avett Brothers fan, and I wish so badly he could go to their concert with us tomorrow night. I feel really guilty, but the Avetts don't even go on until about 2 hours after Jude's bedtime. It's for the best, but, Jude, we owe you one.




We've been working really hard in the last couple months to buy all of our fruits, vegetables, eggs, and some meat at a local, growers only farmers market in Raleigh. We want to contribute to the local economy and know where our food is coming from and under what conditions the food was grown. Today we saw a big load of pumpkins at the grocery store, and I pointed them out to Jude. He said, "We get one at farmers market?" I think he's getting the message.

Jon discusses dinner, and Jude dishes on couscous

For Chris B.

Singing all the time

Terrible two's? Ha! Nothing terrible is going on around here! Our little guy is getting so grown up. He loves to sing songs and make up new songs about what he's doing. During breakfast he sang a little ditty about "Claireball, Claireball." (Our nickname for Clara). He also likes to sing a song we heard on TV about a singing bologna sandwich and one about washing his hands.

I would say that Jude's current favorite album is I and Love and You by the Avett Brothers, but he's a big fan of his Yo Gabba Gabba album, Big Bang Boom, and Barenaked Ladies. Also, hearing Jude say, "Barenaked Ladies" is worth a chuckle. It comes out, "bare....kjgijrigrgj...ladies."

We are currently looking around for a little nylon stringed guitar for him to play around on. He really wants to strum Jon's mandolin when Jon is playing guitar, but it's a little too nice for Jude to play with.

Jude is, as ever, loving books. His current favorites are The Lorax, Wild Boars Cook, and Rhyming Dust Bunnies. He's beginning to get pretty interested in Green Eggs and Ham, but our copy is actually Huevos Verdes con Jamon from my days as a Spanish teacher. I don't know how much he understands, but he sure enjoys the rhyming! Speaking of Spanish, Jude is learning to count to 10 in the language, but most of the time he stops at six unless we sing it in a song.

We're still playing around with the potty training. We have a potty in the living room, and Jude goes after his bath. The rest of the day, we just let Jude tell us if he needs to go and he gets stickers for going, trying, and washing his hands. We're going to save the actual training for closer to 27 months. We're hoping to get a good start in before the holidays strike.

We're not really sure how the holidays are going to go this year with a potty training toddler, 2 old cars, 2 pugs that will need to be kenneled or towed with us, and Jon in the midst of a job search that could possibly lead to a move for us. I'll be glad when we can finally buy a newer car. That is definitely what we will be saving for when I am out of school and working. We thought we would buy one in the spring of '09, but then the house didn't sell and the dog almost died, so we continue to patch things up. I'm hoping that our next move leads us to a place where we can settle for a bit and get our feet underneath us again and lay down a few roots. I wouldn't say that our next stop will necessarily be our forever home, but I look forward to not having closets full of boxes that I can't unpack. Jude loves to play outside and I love to garden and Jon loves to cook what comes out of the garden, so we'll be looking for a place with a yard.

At times I feel like we're in a holding pattern, circling our final destination. I'm so happy we're in it together with Jude's sweet little voice singing to us the whole way.